Anyone who’s ever stayed in a hostel will know that sharing a room with strangers will always come with its pleasures and its challenges. Dorms can be anywhere between 4 to 36 beds and it means sharing your private space and bathroom time with a lot of people who you don’t know. Besides making your bed, finding a place to charge your phone and checking out the bathroom situation- everyone’s always waiting to see who they’re going to be sharing this space with at night. Roommates vary from the ones you make friends with for life, the ones who you have good conversation with, the ones who barely talk and the ones that infuriate you so much you might actually punch them. We get it, okay? Sometimes it might just be a personal problem you have with them, but more often than not if they’re annoying you they’re also pissing off everybody else in the room. Here’s my countdown of the people who really get under our skin:
1. Mr. Rude
You don’t really know you’re rooming with an obnoxious asshole until the early hours of the morning or the late hours of the night. This shit has decided that he’ll make himself known to you in the hours you’re sleeping by banging around the room, groaning and switching the light on and off like he’s trying to send Morse Code.
Speaking from experience, Mr. Rude can also come in its female form, but not often. Some roommates are naturally messy, a bit all over the place (but if they keep it to themselves, that’s okay). Mr. Rude will bang loudly around the room, grunt and shuffle and act angrily as though the hostel life is just making him just a little bit hostile (welcome to the funniest blog ever). They’re also the ones that will spend three hours in the morning in the bathroom, sprinkle the shower and toilet with pubic hairs and- if he actually does find it in his good self to go to bed- will, by guarantee, snore loudly.
2. The Sex Fiend
This is another roomie that lets themselves known to you whilst you’re fast asleep. They’ll first let you know they’re your roommate by a loud laugh, the light will go on for a second then turn off straight away. There will be a lot of girlish giggling and drunken shushing and someone will trip over something. You’ll go in and out of sleep, not really listening. Then you’ll hear a single noise in the darkness:
An umpfh, a womanly gasp followed by a stranger noise. A noise that reminds you of a mouse, or a whimpering dog: an iron bed creaking or the knock of a wooden bed against a stone wall. You’ll wake up, sit up. Listen for the noise again across the room. Then it begins: the steady squeaking, the lone creature moving in the darkness of the room almost hiding the human groans beneath the steady rhythm. It won’t last long. But it might start up again in the early morning.
The worst scenario here is bunking with these kind. In that case, you’ll wake up thinking you’re on a rocking boat or that an earthquake is striking a singular part of the room. In the 3 minutes of bed squeaking and moaning, you are the third person in a threesome they never knew they were having. You become part of the thrusting, are shaken and aroused by it; pissed of and laughing because of it.
I can never really feel that mad about these roommates, just a little peeved. After all, bravo to them for pulling someone in the first place!
3. Creepy Guy
This one is a really teeth-gritting problem for most girls travelling alone. Usually to be found in hostels that (really need to but) don’t have a maximum age limit for their guests. Creepy Guy is always a little bit older. Not always that old but old enough so that you’re going to be careful about where you hang your bra. Creepy Guy can be spotted by his age and his strange demeanor.
Generally he’s the one that will try and ignore you completely, have hospital corners on his bedsheets, his suitcase and personal items laid out anally and act strangely towards you. Saying that, they’re often the ones that talk consistently, exchange way too much info and say weird shit, as well. We all know a Creep when we see one, usually declared Psycho by the room when people catch him staring or smiling to himself strangely. This guy has the whole room silently pondering if he’ll commit a mass murder whilst you’re all asleep.
4. The Gals
These are the girls that you hear first at 5 p.m. when you’ve just arrived or are trying to settle down in the hostel. Then you don’t ever stop hearing them. These girls are back to chat shit as they get ready to go out for dinner and drinks. They don’t care if you can hear their entire conversation as they bitch, rant and complain about people and things that have nothing at all to do with the city they’re in or the places they want to visit.
I find them less annoying if they’re groups of people I can’t understand, because then their gossip just sounds like a foreign melody in lieu of the trivial American girl giggle that reaches under everybody’s skin. The Gals won’t be the ones waking you up in the middle of the night (see below). These girlies go to bed early because they’re the ones up at the crack of dawn, far too cheerful and giddy for that time of morning.
The male equivalent of chattering girls can be a whole lot worse or better, depending on the type of person you are. These Lads wake up everyone at night when they come in roaring from a heavy night drinking. They decide to navigate the room by the light of the moon, trip over three backpacks and say things like ‘Bro! BRO!” (Americans) or “Jesus, fuck!” (British) all other nationalities is just poetic rage to me.
The next morning the Lads and the Bros, will wake up groaning into their pillows, check LadBible for new memes, announce to their friends (and thus the entire room) that they’re taking a shit and then stink up the one bathroom that you all have to share. This midday commotion might (to everyone’s horror) be post-housekeeping meaning you have to follow them into the bathroom and will, eventually, find ONE OF THEIR PUBES stuck to your foot or hands or Somewhere It Shouldn’t Be (which is definitely the worst thing about rooming with men).
Although finding black curly pubes attached to my leg in the shower is not something I like to do, I’m usually happier in a Lad dorm because rooming with women usually comes up with a lot of bitching about temperature, light-switches and personal space. I’ve been blessed to also room with some amazing people: most recently a kid that came into the room drunk and was upset his friends weren’t there, he just needed a cuddle and I never got his name. But here are my 3 Worst Experiences with Hostel Roommates, a lot more extreme than the easily resolvable examples above. Read more.
Do you agree with this list of worst roommates?
Have any crazy stories of your own?
Comment in the section below!